Ok, so…

I wake up every morning at 8:30 with no fail… The first thought is “Ok, I’m up, it’s time for the usual ‘stay the hell out of everyone’s way and wait until they’ve all gone and left’…”

I can’t believe I’m about to put this out on the web where everyone can see and openly share this information with the world…

Things to know before the punchline of the post:

• I don’t like to interact with people in the morning, let alone people that are always in a rush to get out by 9! I understand, so I keep to myself.
• I don’t like talk about my personal issues/problems with anyone, there are a very few amount that know about my daily life. That know about my issues with anything, whether it’s looking for work, catching up to debt, etc…
• I like to keep to myself, in that respect… but I do like to interact with people in general… no one needs to know about my day to day struggles, the only thing they should concern themselves with is if I’m still in the same state or if I’m still alive. That’s all I truly care to let people know about me.
• There’s truly about 2-3 people that KNOW me for whom I TRULY am - I’m a nice guy, I’ve let people walk all over me all my life and when I stand up to everyone I get looked at like I’m an asshole.
• Everyone thought I was Deaf-Mute as a kid, up until I said something when I was like 3 or 4.

Back to the story:

Woke up today with the same intent I have every morning, stay the hell out of everyone’s way and do what I have to do when they all leave to go about their business.

Apparently, today had a surprise for me… Shortly after I woke up, I got SCOLDED!

1. You don’t talk to anyone about what you do all day!
2. You don’t talk to anyone about your problems!
3. You don’t talk to anyone about your future goals!
4. You don’t talk to anyone about what you want to do!

This list kept going! 

Now, I’m currently unemployed but doing contract work here and there when I find it. I try to do what I can with what I have and I never EVER ask for favors, it makes me feel like less of a person when I have to ask someone “hey… can you…?” plus, people tend to let me down… a lot.

Today, I listened, stayed quiet, let it keep going… why? Cause last time I stood up to this person, this person got physical with me… don’t need that in the morning. This person made me feel small, powerless, destroyed my self-esteem!

I’m utterly broken right now… I can’t get my mind straight right now… Everything I had to do today that really depended on me being strong willed is now something I’m questioning in my head “Can I do this today? Can I actually FUNCTION today?!”

I feel sick to my stomach.

For the past month or so, I’ve been applying to the type of companies that I know I’m capable of working at but never had the “balls” to go for it… There have interest in me and my skill from HUGE companies in the past which I’ve had to decline… why? Because I’m surrounded by negativity - negativity from those who are closest to me… my family.

They don’t believe in “reaching for something better!” … they only believe in “get a job anywhere… get paid by a boss that doesn’t appreciate you… and do the work…” 

I’ve lived with that mentality all my life thanks to them and I’ve been burned by it over and over again. They believe that job security is even working at a fast food joint for the rest of your life for beans, just as long as you’re getting paid… they don’t believe in being better, doing better, wanting better!

With that said, you might now know how I feel every day when I go “hey, guess what I did for (name of big company)? Yep! AAAAAAAND (I get published and recognized for it)…” and only get … “oh yeah? stop that shit, it’s gonna lead to nowhere…”

THIS IS FROM MY FAMILY! The same family whom I’ve put above any job, opportunity to better my situation and always be there for whenever any of them need me.

Not too long ago, I had the chance of a life time! I was presented with the opportunity to have my own business in Florida, have MY own home, etc… but the moment (no name) started to bitch and moan about my being so far from the family… I came back, BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!

Every day, I get a guilt trip about something, every day I get judged, every single fucking day of my miserable life that no one knows about (well… up until now) I put on a fucking smile on my face and act like nothing’s wrong.

Today, that stops… It NEEDS to stop… It’s honestly that or just fucking end it all…

I’ve thought about all scenarios, I’ve thought about leaving it all behind and just leave with a backpack full of whatever and just go… go to where? I don’t know, nor do I care! BUT, I have responsibilities that I will not shy away from.

It’s really hard for me to post this, but I need to let it out… I’m spent… Done…